All In My Head

This post isn’t going to be about makeup. Or skincare. Or anything beauty-related at all, really. This is going to be my first attempt at explaining the ugliness inside my head as I start to make this blog more honest and mental health-focused. So here we fucking go.

The doctors tell me I might have Borderline Personality Disorder. Emphasis on “might” – because why not add some more uncertainty to an already confusing af disorder? What this basically means for me is that I’m really fucking moody. That’s the crux of it. Think of your most cliched, emotional moments as a hormone-fuelled teenager, times that by a thousand, and you’ll come close to the shit show that is my inability to emotionally regulate.

And while we all generally look back on those teenage temper tantrums and laugh, it’s not so funny when you’re 24 and have a job and bills to pay. You can’t run to your room slam the door and fling yourself on the bed. (Granted, I still do this, but it’s far less socially acceptable.) And the consequences of acting out are far worse as an adult.

Then there’s the stigma. Let’s face it, you hear personality disorder, you think serial killer, right? Or at least I do. That may also be due to my true crime obsession, but whatever. The truth is that when it comes to mental health, there are the cooler, sexier illnesses like anxiety and depression, and then there are the uglier, messier ones like BPD. It’s harder to understand, it’s harder on the people around you, it’s just hard. I don’t blame anyone for wanting to stay the fuck away from it.

I’m gonna wrap this up here because fuck, this is all a bit depressing, right? No one wants to read more than 300 words about mental health on a beauty blog, of all places, right? But I need to end this on a positive, so: BPD doesn’t have to ruin your life. A diagnosis isn’t the end. Some days are shit, some days are really fucking shit, but there are also good days, amazing days, mediocre days, the same as anyone else. I’ve learned some amazing coping mechanisms along the way, tips, tricks and tools that I’ll share in upcoming posts. But yeah. It was time to write about it, finally, and this is a start. But I promise you my next post will just be about lipstick.

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